Monday, October 20, 2008

General Powell - "we hardly knew ye" - or did we?

Yesterday (Sunday, October 18, 2008) Colin Powell endorsed Senator Obama for president. I have a lot of respect for Powell as a military man. That being said (coming from a family where my father and two brothers were military officers) to rise as high as he did (in the military)he needed to be very politically astute. He said - as early as '96 - that he was a fiscal conservative and a social liberal. In most cases I can't see the ability to be both - many of the socially liberal stances require substantial spending.

Once thing that bothered me a couple of days ago when I saw it was Powell saying electing a black man would be electrifying in the message it sent to the world. If you read the whole article at this link

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/09/15/1403219.aspx

you will see what scares me about that attitude (held by a lot of people). I think the job of president is much too important to be used to "send a message". I keep having this vision of Sally Field standing at the Oscars saying "You like me. You really like me." I think this statement, coupled with others (ie governor Palin does not have the ability to be president while Obama is qualified to be commander in chief and I don't think the supreme court can stand more conservative appointments) shows me he has an agenda. As I stated before he had to be very politically savvy to rise to his position in the military so he has to know that an Obama president with a democratic congress (and a possible super majority in the senate) things like "the fairness doctrine"

http://www.heritage.org/Research/Regulation/EM368.cfm

will be passed ultimately having the power to limit free and open debate in this country.

In the long run I don't think this endorsement is going to sway anyone and it has the flavor - at this point in the race - of jumping on the bandwagon. Something that someone with Colin Powell's stature does not need to do. So it makes me wonder why he did.

Given the upsurge of social progressives and their agenda in the past years it doesn't surprise me that huge numbers of people seem eager to willing vote away their individual freedoms. But it does surprise me that someone who has seen, firsthand, the price paid by countless numbers of men and women over the years to defend those freedoms would encourage them to do so.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Over-medication of America

I have a good friend – one of the few people I met in college with who I keep in touch. We are pretty much diametrically opposed in out political views, but oddly enough, are aligned when it comes to the belief people are too accepting of what doctors say. We both hold the thought that each of us is the final arbiter of their own health care decisions. One day I asked him how his parents were doing and he related a story to me to which illustrates the point.

His mother – now in her eighties – had always been in generally good health. However, upon a visit to her doctor, she discovered her blood pressure was slightly elevated. Not, mind you, “Oh my God you are a stroke waiting to happen” elevated – just slightly elevated. So,as doctors are often want to do, her doctor prescribed some medication. Now he could have talked to her about altering her diet, etc. and keeping an eye on the situation, but because (and this will come into play later) many doctors have attitudes about older folks, he assumed she wouldn't be able to do that. After a few weeks on the medication her blood pressure was down, but (let me do my Gomer Pyle impression – Soo-prise, Soo-prise, Soo-prise) she was experiencing some side effects.
So back to the doctor. Instead of taking her off the blood pressure medication (remember her pressure was only slightly elevated) or looking at alternative medication ( there are many for blood pressure control) he prescribed more pills for the side effects.

I'm sure you can guess where this is going. More pills for the side effects of those pills, and more pills for the side effects of those pills. Pretty soon the poor woman was taking about fifteen pills a day and feeling worse than she ever had. Her balance was bad and she was having problems with her memory. So back to the doctor and the kind, caring, conscientious physician (yeah right) informed her family that she was in the initial stages of dementia and/or Alzheimer's and the best thing to do was to institutionalize her - find a nursing home that deals with that kind of thing. Of course the fact that she was an octogenarian played a huge factor in the doctor's diagnosis and recommendations.

My friend was unaware of all of this until his father called him to discuss putting his mother in a home. My friend was obviously perplexed and concerned. In the course of only a couple of months his mother had gone from a vital, aware woman to someone who could barely stand and couldn't remember what she had for breakfast. So my friend talked to his mother's physician who not only defended his prescribing of all the medications, but got very defensive about the fact a mere layman would even question his judgment. No help there.

My friend finally found an extension of the Cleveland Clinic in Orlando (where his parents lived) and a doctor who was willing to listen. After consultation and review of the medications he advised that they take her off of all her medications to start. Within three weeks his mother was back to her old self.

This scenario plays itself out many thousands of times every year in this country. In a lot of respects Medicare part D enables it to happen even more. So often doctors treat the symptoms without even looking at the underlying cause. Sometimes this is enough – often it is not.

There is so much more to go into about this “epidemic” (irony definitely intended), but it isn't actually the point of this opinion piece. Instead it is the parallel with our economy.

Our economy has been over-medicated. The government is forcing the American taxpayers to take more and more medication and, like doctors, our elected representatives get defensive and don't look to find the underlying causes. Instead they choose to treat the symptoms. Looking at controlling the disease instead of curing the patient. In many ways they possess the same hubris as the doctors who are unwilling to look at alternatives. They believe there is no way the people who are paying the bills can possibly understand the malady. They believe they have to do something because the patient (the economy) can't heal itself.

Two quotes come to mind. The first from the Hippocratic Oath - “First, do no harm”. The second is from one of my favorites, Voltaire. He said, “The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while Nature cures the disease.”

I don't think most of those in office ever read Voltaire – pity.

Monday, September 1, 2008

A Few Thoughts on Hurricane Names

I have previously written about hurricanes so I won't go into the things I said then. Nor am I going to get into the whole global warming argument about whether it is causing larger, stronger and more frequent storms (it isn't because global warming is a manufactured phenomenon – follow the money).
But I do have a few things to say about hurricane names.

In 1953 the World Meteorological Organization decided that using short easily pronounceable names would be better for those who were advising the public. Prior to that time the storms were simply referred to by their position in latitude and longitude. In 1979 mens" names were added to the list of storm names in response to feminist groups who said that using only womens' names was an implied slur that only women were tempestuous and, all-too-often, unpredictable. Personally I always thought using womens' names was perfectly appropriate and apt because women wield a lot of power and are always to be respected. But then what do I know?

In 2003 congresswoman Shirley Jackson Lee was upset when she saw that French and Spanish derived names were added to the list. She argued that all ethnicities should be represented. It sparked an email (very un-PC but somewhat funny I think) that circulated around the internet and was the cause of a couple of people losing their jobs for forwarding it over office computer systems. I'm not going to repeat it here but you can find it on the net if you so desire. Personally, since most of the storms originate off the coast of Africa I could see some justification for it, but it did seem to be contrary to the reason to start naming storms all those years ago - keep it short and easy. Let's face it a lot of broadcast weather folks might have a tough time wrapping their tongues around hurricane Chaniquela and such.

But as Gustav currently hammers the gulf coast from the Florida panhandle to east Texas it seems to me the yahoos who name these storms need to be a little more circumspect when picking the monikers for these potential monsters. And they need to be ready to make some adjustments as needed (names are picked years ahead).

When the Russian Bear started growling recently and invaded the Republic of Georgia the namers should have had the presence of mind to eighty-six the name Gustav – it was probably looking to do some serious subjugation. Hannah is already named but did they not remember the old song lyric – “hard hearted Hannah the vamp of Savannah” ? Does it then surprise anyone that Hannah is looking right at Savannah to make landfall? But the next one really bothers me. It will be named Ike. Ike could play a little guitar and sing some, but his real talent seemed to be delivering a serious “pounding” (mostly on Tina). So if I were a resident of any Turnersville (I've found them in Texas, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, and New Jersey) I would be making some “strategization for evacuation”.

Further on down the list for this year is Paloma. That means “dove” in Spanish and I would bet that storm doesn't do much. If we get to the T name watch out – it's Teddy. I am terrified of anything named Teddy that is associated with water.

Many people believe that the name one is given has an impact (no pun intended) on the course of their life. So you folks who name the storms – won't you please be a little more careful about the ones you choose. We would all thank you,

Friday, August 29, 2008

Time to get Political

Okay, okay I know I promised to write more (not that anyone is necessarily reading) and I haven't done so. I have had things on my mind, but just haven't taken the time to put them down here. Too bad - a lot of pearls lost to posterity. If you do take time to read previous posts you will probably find less political - more observational - and hopefully humorous. At least at times.

Now though I have to weigh in due to the idiocy of the knee jerk reaction by the Obama campaign regarding John McCain's nomination of governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. I know it is their job to point out what they consider to be the weaknesses of opposition but within five minutes of the confirmation by a McCain spokesperson that Palin was indeed the pick the Obama campaign said,

"Today, John McCain put the former mayor of a town of 9,000 with zero foreign policy experience a heartbeat away from the presidency. Governor Palin shares John McCain's commitment to overturning Roe v. Wade, the agenda of Big Oil and continuing George Bush's failed economic policies -- that's not the change we need, it's just more of the same."

Not only was this totally classless and insulting to the governor of a state, but it shows an amazing lack of intelligence from people who are surely making mucho dinero to advise and represent a presidential nominee. If these people who are supposed to be steering their candidate through the rough and dangerous waters of a campaign had been navigating for Columbus he would have never made it past the Azores.

I just don't understand (nor do I want to) understand the workings of a mind that would issue a statement so ill thought out so quickly. Why not wait for a few hours and if not get it right at least say it right? What's the rush? The idiocy of what they said is obvious isn't it? They managed to insult small town America (where a lot of "voters" live) and at the same time taken another swipe at women by failing to even mention that she was the elected governor of Alaska.

So let's take a look at what some of the other nice people in the "inclusive" democratic party said within an hour about governor Palin's nomination.


One of my favorites the Senior senator from New York, Chuck Schumer .......


"After the great success of the Democratic convention, the choice of Sarah Palin is surely a Hail Mary pass. It is a real roll of the dice and shows how John McCain, Karl Rove et al realize what a strong position the Obama-Biden team and Democrats in general are in in this election. Certainly the choice of Palin puts to rest any argument about inexperience on the Democratic team and while Palin is a fine person, her lack of experience makes the thought of her assuming the presidency troubling. I particularly look forward to the Biden-Palin debate in Missouri."

(so do I Sen Schumer..... so do I)

And let's move on to Rep Rahm Emanuel............

"Is this really who the Republican Party wants to be one heartbeat away from the Presidency? Given Sarah Palin's lack of experience on every front and on nearly every issue, this Vice Presidential pick doesn't show judgment: it shows political panic."


(Panic - I think the valium and xanax consumption at the Democratic convention far exceeded what will be consumed at the Republican one)

And finally Rep Jim Clyburn from South Carolina.............

"I do believe that McCain has to do something to reshuffle the cards, shake up the establishment, do something unexpected and Governor Palin has all the kinds of things that McCain might see as a way to shake things up. I think [her selection] would be something similar to Dan Quayle. Dan Quayle proved to be sort of an embarrassment as a campaigner. Being thrust on a national stage like that could be very tough. Now Mondale tried to shake things up by going with Geraldine Ferraro.she proved to be a disaster as a running mate. And as a campaigner, she was absolutely awful. And so I just think that it is very risky for McCain to do this, but it may be all he has left."

(Didn't have a lot against Dan Quayle but I think that governor Palin knows how to spell Potato. Do you know how to spell "alienate women and self-destruct Mr Clyburn ? )

It seems to me that all these statements are insulting - especially to women. I would think that people who are used to having everything they say open to public scrutiny would actually take some time to THINK about what to say. But hey I am just a working guy who actually HAS to engage his brain every now and then in order to make a living. These folks don't happen to fall into that category I guess.

But the thing that is once again evident is the astronomical arrogance of the liberal mindset which allows them to believe they can say and do anything without having to worry about the consequences. Do they really think there is no way Obama can lose? Apparently so.

A couple of months ago when whispers about Palin started I did some research and the more I found out the more I liked her. She has been my pick since then and it seems John McCain had the great good sense to finally come around to my point of view. I only wish I had had the great good sense to call up a friend in Vegas to lay down a bet on her for me. I would have made enough to get into oil speculation and really irritate the hell out of a lot of liberals.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

California Fires

So I'm in the phone business and yesterday (Friday July 11) I was working on turning up a PRI (look it up if you are interested)trunk for a property in Denver near the airport. The supplier of the service was AT&T and there are processes that have to be gone through to turn up the service. There was someone on site, I was into the phone system via the internet (pretty cool - no more dial up modems) and the tech from AT&T was in Sacramento, CA.

All three of us are conferenced together and while we are all waiting for the circuit to come up the guy on site in Denver asks the AT&T tech in California what is going on with the fires - a couple of the big ones are near Sacramento. Well she launches into a tirade about all the "tree huggers". Now she didn't use any invectives, but you could tell she was having a hard time controlling the urge to do so. We stared talking about how some of the greatest property and life loss from fires in California could be directly linked to the "environmentalists" blocking controlled burns and underbrush clearing for totally idiotic reasons.

The majority of property loss in Lake Tahoe last year was caused by the local government enjoining the residents from clearing pine straw from underneath the trees on their property. And why was this done one asks. Let me enlighten you - it was because in the absence of the pine needles on the ground rain could cause runoff of dirt into the lake causing it to look "murky" until it settled to the bottom. In other words it would be "yucky" to look at for a day or two after it rained.

A few years ago fires in Riverside County, California got out of control. Environmentalists managed to stop the forestry service from clearing proactive fire breaks because a species of Kangaroo rat would not cross open ground over 6 feet or so and it was thought this might endanger their procreation. (Hey don't expect to see this reported in the mainstream media). So fire breaks out - no fire breaks - fire rages for a few weeks. Did anybody stop to think that if fire DID break out it would fry the little critters anyway? Rat Kabobs anyone?

Well, the list goes on and on. And lest anyone think the woman was just another angry conservative like me who cannot understand (just on the face of it) the idiotic reasoning which can have such devastating consequences it turns out the AT&T tech had been a California firefighter for nine years. Putting her life on the line (and watching her friends do the same thing) because any kind of preventative measures were nixed by the "tree huggers" (her words not mine). It's like asking a trapeze artist to work without a net - then tell them they have to have their arms tied behind their back and after executing the death-defying triple somersault - catch the other bar with their teeth.

I guess she'd just had enough. I don't blame her. Putting out fires in the phone business is a lot less difficult and a little less frustrating.

And don't forget every time some huge fire rages out of control - one that could have been prevented - and destroys untold millions of dollars worth of property it raises the insurance rates for every homeowner in the country. Down here in Florida (and other places along the gulf coast) we pay a "hurricane recoupment fee" for the storm payouts of three and four years ago - as well as paying increased premiums. That's okay. We live here so we should pay for it. But I'd bet the California people don't pay a "forest fire or mudslide recoupment fee" and if the insurance companies tried to collect it I'd bet the state of California would block it. Hell let the rest of the US pay for it. So while you are paying your higher property insurance bill in Iowa, Nebraska, or Colorado just feel content in the fact that, after rebuilding their two million dollar homes on the shores of Lake Tahoe with their insurance payoff, those folks will be able to sit on their deck (with more square footage than your whole house) and sip a cocktail or glass of champagne while looking at the crystal clear lake - even just after it rains.

Tony Snow

When I woke up this morning I turned on the news and heard Tony Snow had passed away - finally succumbing to the cancer he had been fighting since 2005. Oddly enough I had been thinking about him not too many days ago - since I had not heard anything about him for a while.

I liked Tony Snow. He seemed like a good guy, and Lord knows there are too few "good guys" in the political arena anymore. I don't think I really knew who he was until he showed up on the fledgling Fox News Network back in 1996, but I was won over immediately. He always seemed to have at least a hint of a smile on his face or in his eyes, and it was never one of those sardonic or sarcastic smiles. You could tell that he was actually enjoying himself and the people he was interviewing or chatting with. He never conveyed the sense that he thought himself better or more intelligent than anyone else, yet he always conveyed that he was willing to listen to any viewpoint and give it fair consideration. How rare is that in the media in this day and age?

I think I had heard somewhere (though didn't really remember) that he was an accomplished musician and played in a rock band with some friends from time to time. On the news this morning they had some footage of him also doing a "dueling flutes" thing with what appeared to be a jazz band - and truly enjoying himself. It made sense - most people who play music for enjoyment and not employment seem to be a happy bunch for the most part. He was certainly a Renaissance Man and there aren't many of them left - one fewer now.

I know from listening to him on the radio that he had a deep and abiding love for his family - they came first. Too bad more people in all walks of life don't feel that way these days. If they did the world would be a better place.

Anyway, the world is richer for him having been in it and I will pay him the best compliment I can pay any man or woman. He seemed like the kind of person you would like to sit down with for an hour or two, have a beer (or adult beverage of your choice)and talk about anything at all. Not just because it would be good to hear what he had to say, but because he would be interested in what YOU had to say.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Pet Peeves Answered

Good friend of mine - good person - sent this email to me this morning. My response follows her email.

Morning. I have another project. Pet peeve. I would love to ask all the candidate, though I am sure a straight answer is like hens teeth, this question. Since there are still people from Katrina displaced and in those trailers (which I think have caused health problems) then why are we spending millions/billions in the space program. Its like a mother buying Jimmy Choo shoes and not having enough to feed her kids.

So with that sort of thing in mind. I ride to many barns in Maryland. I became curious about how much was spent on flowers on the highway. I mean its lovely but it just seems sort of frivolous when people are still hurting. So I decided to see how much , as a state , we spend. ($150,000) I don’t know if I should email the rest of the states or use that as an average. But couldn't this money be donated for one year for that purpose so actual people can bloom.

My Response

Well, if the ($150,000) would actually get to the people to help I might agree with you, however by the time the government got through with it maybe 10 cents out of the dollar might make it somewhere useful. I also bet that there are/would be private organizations willing to donate the resources to plant the flowers. However there are so many government regulations that they probably couldn't afford the liability insurance - let alone the flowers.

And sorry, but don't get me started on Katrina. Being a resident of a state that handles hurricane preparedness and the aftermath well what happened in Louisiana irritates the hell out of me. Everyone saw the 1000+ school buses sitting in the flooded lot. When the question was raised about why they were not used to evacuate people - Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin said, "We couldn't find anyone to drive them." yeah right. If a 15 year old boy could commandeer a bus, pick up people along the streets in New Orleans and get three fourths of the way to Houston before he was stopped then they damn sure could have found people who would have been more than willing to drive those buses. A few days before the hurricane hit - when it was pretty obvious the storm was going to hit New Orleans - the President asked the Governor of Louisiana to let the Louisiana National Guard be federalized so they would be under the direction of the federal government and she refused. Had that happened I guarantee you there would have been national guard people to drive the buses. So I put 98% of the human devastation caused during the storm directly on the shoulders of the Louisiana and New Orleans governments. That being said I lay a majority of the foolishness that happened in the weeks, months, and years following at the feet of the feds. Instead of thinking the darn things out and getting the people what they needed they Knee-jerked in response to the publicity and started handing out $2,000.00 cash cards - a lot of which got spent in strip clubs and on $600.00 designer purses, etc.

Again - so many government regulations and bureaucracies so big that one hand doesn't know what the other is doing just means waste and very little accomplished. And, again, there are probably many private concerns that could do better but too many government regulations.

As far as the space program goes, sorry, but I am for it. Actually their real dollars (when adjusted for inflation and in relation to other government programs) have shrunk. Still over the life of NASA the science in many fields (medicine, computer technology, etc.) have migrated into the private sector and returned more than the dollars invested. So I have no problem with it whatsoever. As far as your analogy goes about the mother buying the shoes and not having enough to feed her kids - I feel this way. There are always going to be people in this country who -either by birth or because of disease or accident - are incapable of taking care of themselves. I think it is our moral responsibility to take care of those people and we could do it well and very easily if it weren't for the fact that too many politicians are in the business of paying people for their own bad behavior/decisions - just to buy votes.


Well - I'm climbing down off my soapbox - for now.

Later,,

Dane


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Brave, brave Stephen King - NOT

I guess Noel Sheppard published a piece on his blog talking about how Stephen King said that if you can read you can walk into a job, but if you can't then you are stuck with the military and going to Iraq. So I had to go to King's site (http://www.stephenking.com/) and Sheppard's (http://newsbusters.org/blog/26) to see what was going on. King posted a message on his site under news (which is the first thing that pops up - just scroll down) and the idiot is trying to defend what he said by stating that he lives in a National Guard town and that he supports the troops but he doesn't support an educational system that gives students only one option - "canon fodder". So basically he was saying he supports the troops while calling them dummies at the same time. I wonder if he sent his kids to private school and I wonder how many millions he has donated to schools? If he is so concerned with the educational system why doesn't he take a few of his spare millions and set up a scholarship fund for underprivileged kids to go to private schools? No he is too egalitarian for that. Heaven forbid he should do anything himself. No, no, no, it must be done through the public schools so the rest of us can continue to pour money down the drain we call the Public Education System. But if it has to be the public system he could donate a few mil to the NEA for them to use to increase the quality of education (hey let's just limit it to Maine - his home state) and see what difference it makes.

Or let him go to the bad side of Anytown, USA, walk up to some drug dealer there who really can't read, and say, "Hey I'm a famous author and I'm here to tell you if you don't learn to read you won't be able to get a job other than as canon fodder. First of all they would probably climb out of their Escalade, flash a roll of a few thousand, then pop a cap in his ass faster than an Iraqi Sadir City militiaman. The last thing he would hear before the second shot is, "Hey man that's what you get for dissing me. I don't be no canon fodder. Just ask any of my baby mommas."

Anyway, after providing a link to Noel Sheppard's blog site and telling them to send Noel and e-mail stating "I agree with Stephen so shut up." He did the brave thing and shut down posting on his own site. But hey, give him credit for staying true to the liberal elitist attitude of "I can say anything I want and do anything I want but I don't have to live with the consequences.

What a Bozo.

Funny thing I have enjoyed most of Stephen King's books though over the last few years he has published a couple of terrible ones that seem to have no point and little plot. However if I am going to read anything in that genre anymore I will read Dean Koontz. He actually, in his books of the last few years, has made some comments in the context of the stories about how this country is going to hell in a hand basket - due mostly to government interference, the failing educational system, and the breakdown of the family. And he extols personal responsibility.

I may read a King book or two in the future but I will never buy one again. I'll wait to buy it at the Salvation Army or borrow it from the Library. Not one more dime for King out of my pocket.


It's pretty obvious to me that my worst nightmare isn't something that came out of Stephen King's imagination. Instead it is Stephen King and like minded arrogant liberals.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Clown Shoes

Did you know there is a site on the web called clownshoes.com? You can’t find clown shoes there but you can sign up to go to shoemaker’s school and there is a link there that will take you to a web site where you can actually buy clown shoes. Since I am not one of those people who goes out looking for be bizarre websites like twoheadedcow.com or turkeydroppingsjewelry.com you well may ask how I found the clown shoes site. I will enlighten you.


I had been telling my brother for some time that if I was going to seriously get back into golf I needed to update my technology. I have always been somewhat of a purist when it comes to golf equipment, but over the past couple of years I noticed that I was giving up yardage. Especially off the tee. So for my birthday my brother sent me a new driver. He told me it had the largest legal head size and was made of space age materials so technologically advanced that NASA and the Department of Defense were using the same materials in some of their programs. OH Boy. I couldn’t wait.

My brother kept calling and asking me if the package had arrived. I assured him it had not. He could not understand why it was taking so long but when it finally showed up I found out the reason for the delay. Because of the size of this thing it had to have special permits for over the road shipping. It also had to have pre-clearance to come into the area from the County Sheriff’s Department as it is apparently on their list of potentially lethal weapons. Lord knows, in my hands that could be true.

And, like even the simple church key (manual can opener for those of you too young to remember soda and beer cans before the pop top) it came with a forty-two page book listing all the warnings regarding use of this golf club. Such as, do not use to retrieve kites trapped on high power lines, do not use to demonstrate sword swallowing to your children, and, do not use shaft end to un-stick a garbage disposal while it is turned on. Still, after reading the entire list of warnings, I remained undaunted and was determined to add the driver to my arsenal of links weaponry. There was, however, an implied consent clause included on a card attached to the driver. It stated by using this club I agreed that if I was playing or practicing within thirty miles of a commercial airport I had to call Air Traffic Control before teeing off so that they would not mistake my swinging of the club for a wildly out of control jumbo jet in their airspace.

I went out to the driving range and made sure that there was no one else around. I bought a bucket of balls and cleared myself with ATC at Okaloosa Regional Airport. I did a few stretches to limber up, pulled out the driver, and teed up the ball. I encountered my first problem. Sitting on a regular tee the ball was barely visible. In fact it looked like it was halfway down a mine shaft. I scrounged a downed tree limb (obviously missed in the post Hurricane Ivan cleanup) and whittled a 9 inch high peg out of that. Now that the ball was teed up at the proper height I was ready to go.

I took the club back slowly and my center of gravity shifted so much that I fell over backward. Jumping up quickly I looked around to make sure no one had seen my exploits, because I thought I had heard a voice yelling TIMMMM-BERRRR, as I was falling. As it turned out I was still alone. After practicing on how to maintain my balance on my backswing I addressed the ball, took the club back, paused at the top, and transitioned as beautifully as Jack Nicklaus or Tiger Woods to my downswing. Unfortunately I had neglected to consider the aerodynamics of the club moving at a speed more than two inches per second (understandable as the only BS I hold has nothing to do with science). The vacuum created by an object approximately the size of a VW Bug caused a vortex that literally sucked me after it - 14.5 feet out into the driving range - where I ended up flat on my face. Fortunately no one saw this episode either but I’m sure people out on the course noticed a stiff breeze rippling through the trees at that moment.

I packed up and went home. I remember calling my brother right after the club had been delivered to tell him I had received it and remarked on the size of the club head. He said, “Yeah, it’s big. If you’re gonna walk out to the first tee with a club that big you probably ought to be wearing clown shoes as well. Kinda divert their attention.”

So that’s how I came to find clownshoes.com. I’m pulling out the trusty old credit card and am going to place an order. After that I think I might look for clownclothes.com and clownmake-up.com. That way when I walk up to the first tee and the other guys say “look at this Bozo” I won’t be offended, and, no matter what happens on the course, the other people won’t know who I am unless they manage to get my plate number as I speed out of the parking lot.



Truffles

I have never been on the “inside” of anything. My perspective has always been somewhat from the outside. I guess you should know that my views tend toward the conservative. You will not find my name on the subscribers list of Politically Correct Monthly. In fact I think that if I go through a day with offending someone then I haven’t been trying hard enough. I don’t apologize too often. I am Polish and if I took the time to apologize for every insensitive or stupid thing I said or did I wouldn’t have time to ask, “Dondez esta el bano?’ and I would have to start wearing depends before my appointed time.


Now, with that out of the way, it’s down to business.


I have a relative who has been living and working in some foreign countries for the last several years and they have all been countries where it seems the mainstay of the carnivorous is pork. I can’t tell you were he has been working (well I could tell you but then I would have to shoot myself - I know, I know, but I told you, I’m Polish), but considering the pork thing you can pretty much rule out the Middle East, Pakistan, Tres Tragique-istan, Captain Kirk-istan, Make a new Plan-istan, and any other of the stans that popped up about 20 years ago.


But it was weird because just about every time I would talk or “chat” with him it would be about his dinner time and he would tell me he was fixing ribs, or pork chops, or pork roast. I think one time he actually told me he was fixing chicken, but then it turned out it was wrapped in bacon. I started to worry. I kept remembering the old saying, “You are what you eat”, and it sounded like a little snorting had crept into his laugh when I would regale him with the occasional joke or humorous anecdote.


I told myself I was being silly and had pretty much put it out of my mind until he came to visit a while back. One afternoon I came home and found him in the back yard down on his hands and knees crawling slowly along with his snout (er I mean nose) a half inch off the ground. I asked him what the heck he was doing. He looked at me like only an idiot wouldn’t know and said, “Hunting for Truffles”. I was stunned. I ran for the phone book. But in that moment of hesitation while I was trying to figure out whose number to look up first – a psychiatrist or the ASPCA – I realized he looked really happy out there. In fact you could say he looked “as happy as a pig in – well you know the rest” so I just let him be.


When he came in he looked a little disappointed that he hadn’t found any of the fungus (I later learned they don’t grow in Florida), but overall still happy. While he was visiting I ate my year’s ration of ribs, and he continued his “hunting” every afternoon.


After he left I did some research and, Holy Moley, those dang white truffles can bring $1,600.00 a pound. However, in the US, they only seem to grow in the Northwest so I am thinking about moving to Seattle or Portland and inviting him over for a visit next fall during the height of truffle harvesting season. In the meantime I am going to keep in touch with him overseas (and I still can’t tell you where because if I did I would have to drink a bunch of shots) and for his birthday send him a copy of “The World’s 500 Greatest Pork Recipes.


I have my eyes on the new Lexus convertible if it pans out.